ambition

i need ambition. i need it in the worst way. i sit at this computer, watch videos, look and facebook and twitter, read columns by writers way better than i can ever hope to be, and think about how i should be studying.

i just cant find the ambition. my laziness has reached a new peak. today, while in the library, instead of studying for a speech test that was a few hours away, i watched tv shows on my computer. how much more ridiculous can i be?

and the worst part is, i know ill be disappointed when my grade reflects the work i put in. itll be worse cuz i have no one and nothing else to blame but myself. theres just so much more id rather be doing then reading about what some guy from tidewater virginia did 200 years ago. id rather be racing. id rather be listening to music. id rather be writing a sports column once a week and nothing else.

but to get all those things i have to put up with the grind of class and studying and tests. it just sucks, i guess. last year, i didnt want the school year to end because i loved it down here. i didnt really have much to look forward to that summer, or so i thought. then racing happened. now, with a new kart and newer equipment with the kart, i want the summer to be here now. i still love it here, and i love being in college and on my own. but racing, and everything surrounding it, is like my drug. i need it. i need it to distract me from the fact that i have no girlfriend, a shitty job, no money, and no ambition--except when i race.

i know you probably dont give a shit about racing. or that i like it. or that i do it. but hopefully you can understand needing something in your life for an escape. it just sucks that my escape is 8 months away. til then, ive just got to find something to take its place.

PS, if you havent heard, the bird is the word.

travis barker

he's the best drummer alive. i dont care who esle you think it might be. it's travis fucking barker.



p.s. i cant wait for the blinkumentary. should be amazing.

this is me racing this summer (im #10). its me proving i suck when i need to perform well (witness the getting passed after i take the lead). my sister video taped this. the race was a double show, and this was the first of the two. i won the second one, but my sister left after the first. cant say i blame her.

motivation

so i need some motivation. lately ive been a lazy pile of shit. despite having little to no money, i have yet to hunt for a job--apart from applying at fareway. none of my classes seem to make me want to try. at all.

i really need to break the cycle, because if i dont, there's a good chance i will end up in a bad situation. it seems as though all i can do now is buy things i cant afford and write songs. or, as ive stated before, poems that sort of look like songs. i tweeted mark hoppus to take a look at them on here. theres at least a 99% chance he never does, but it would be the best moment of my life if he did and tweeted back--even if he said he didnt like em.

lately there have been different things that have presented themselves as points of interest for me. writing is still a huge part of me, but the fact that songs are what interests me right now is strange to me. but the other part, that may be even weirder, is that ive kind of wanted to sing lately. see, i could speak in front of a thousand people no problem. but sing? not so much.

a friend also got a role as a stand-in on a movie recently. it made me realize that i miss my high school plays. not the plays themselves, but performing in them. i halfway want to try out for a play or something here at school. but then again, the fact that i'm a pile keeps that from happening.

but in the end, at least i know i want to do more while im here than write articles and play basketball once in a while. itd be cool to say ive actually branched out. its be cool to find a girl too.

so heres the latest song. i dont know if its good or not. but tell me the truth.

"Worth It"

I know when I see you,
I know when you speak
I know I can trust you,
Your words set me free
Like God up above, you know what I am
Just a boy you look past, A boy who’s in love
I don’t care what it takes, only what it will mean
For you to be with me, for me to be seen

So bring on the thunder, Bring on the rain
Bring on the hurt, and bring on the pain
Let’s make that jump now,
C’mon just make your move
Cuz baby it’s worth it, it’s worth it for love

I swear I can do this,
I swear I can go
Be more than you are,
be more than I know
A world up in flames, uncertainty abounds
My life sometimes feels like a ship run aground
So I sing this lament, so that someone will hear
And maybe can tackle that deep seeded fear

So bring on the thunder, bring on the rain
Bring on the hurt, and bring on the pain
Let’s make that jump now,
C’mon just make your move
Cuz baby it’s worth it, it’s worth it for love

Everywhere I go,
In all that I know,
One cure still exists
And you know what it is
If you could just realize,
And not hide behind,
That wall you have up,
Then babe, we could fly

So bring on that thunder, bring on that rain
Bring on that hurt, and bring on that pain
And we will pull through,
We will make this thing last
Put love in our future, and pain in our past

Cuz baby it’s worth it, worth it for love
Baby it’s worth it, worth it for love

champ

i went racing tonight. i didnt win the race, but i did run well, and finished 3rd out of 8 karts to clinch the 2009 points championship at that racetrack. it is my first championship of my racing "career" and i couldnt feel more vanilla about it.

the track i won the championship at, Cherokee, IA, is a low-fund racetrack, and didnt have a trophy or even a tshirt for any of the champions from the various classes.

i didnt even get acknowledged by the track promoter or officials. only the racer i beat (by 1 point) congratulated me, along with a few others in my class. it felt good, but not as good as it could've.

oh well. at least i know i did it. and i already cant wait for next season.

untitled

yup, its another one. this one isnt emo i promise. it's supposed to be pop-punk.


Walk right in without a care
Puff up my chest,
cuz the girls all stare
What I didn't know
was my fly was down, TP on my heel
What you don't get though,
is this really isn't rare

Cuz I'm a fuckin loser baby
So how bout you maybe
Try and see past what I'm not
and look at what I've got

Sit down all embarassed,
cuz I know what I am
Stifle the thoughts and try not to stare at
that girl in the corner
who leaves me at half staff
She sees me and smiles,
I wonder, does she know?

That I'm a fuckin loser baby
So how bout you maybe
Try and see past what I'm not
and look at what I've got

But over she walked
and for an hour we talked
She said so much
and I looked, but didnt touch
She asked to go home together,
but what I've come to gather...

Is I'm a fuckin loser baby,
but you're fuckin crazy
From your cats to taylor swift,
I hate all of that shit

But I'll take you home anyway
cuz I need a good lay

I said I'll take you home anyway
cuz I need a good lay



probably lame, i know

the blinkumentary + Love

cannot wait for these to come out

how it ends

so i wrote another song. i'm lame, i know.

its tentatively called "how it ends"

I can't let go of what I want
chews me up, spits me out.
Makes me feel so small,
I'm afraid I'm going to fall
I sometimes ask God, why not me?
Want to feel loved, want to feel free
they tell me she's out there,
I laugh and ask, where?

So why can't I let go?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I have to know
how it ends?

No talent, no light,
is my future really that bright?
Pressure and expectations,
but I don't really know what I am facing.
Bottled up, gotta let it all out
wearing me down, giving me hell.
I know what I am, I know what I'm not
I'll look back on now, and say i forgot.

So why can't I let go?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I have to know
how it ends?

If I let go
If I escape
I can be free
I can betray
All of the demons
deep down inside
and know what love is
and not have to hide

So help me let go
help me forget
help me to find out
how it all ends...

Please help me let go...
Please help me forget
I just have to find out
how it ends.

when she smiles

i went and saw live music tonight. everyone i saw was pretty good, including a friend of mine, who surprised me with just how good he was on guitar. the whole time i watched, mostly impressed, and wished i could do what they do.

i tried learning to play guitar--failed. i bought a harmonica when on vacation in oregon--quit in about 5 minutes. i used to play piano, but quit because i felt really gay. musically, im about as talented as a parapoligic in a pogo stick contest.

still, i cant stop at dreaming. im not afraid to say i rock out in the car when im alone. and sometimes i fool myself into believing i can actually sing. ill sing along with blink, green day, and some country stuff. for the most part, i feel like i dont do too bad of a job. then i try and sing when the music isnt playing, and realize exactly how talented i am. ha.

i guess the only way to find out is to sing in front of other people. i had someone tell me once that i had a good voice. but i think she's just being nice. i kinda, half-way, maybe might want to sing in front of a group of people. then again probably not.

i did write a song though. a friend of mine wanted a song written about her, so i obliged. the song is about her, but it's also about every guy's dream girl. okay, maybe not that lofty, but you'll get the point (at least i hope).

When she smiles
the world lights up,
when she smiles,
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must

Gotta know it all means something
want to know what it all means
see her every day
confused by her ways
cant figure out, i want to know
even when she is pissed i can't let go

but when she smiles
the world lights up
when she smiles
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must

different from me, different from you,
don't really know what she's been through
the way she talks, the way she walks
makes me watch...
annoying as hell,
cuz she's so damn cool, i totally fell

and when she smiles
the world lights up
when she smiles,
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must

when she smiles,
the world melts away
when she smiles,
beautiful in every way
when she smiles,
it's a brand new day
when she smiles,
stupid love songs start to play

when she smiles,
so can i...
when she smiles...
so can i...
when she smiles...

so you probably know what its called. it probably sucks. but hey, i never claimed to be a song writer.