i wish i was more than i am. im lazy, unambitious, and totally undeserving of the good things in my life. i want to change, but i know i wont. i think im a good person, but that i waste what i have.
i hate complaining, and im sorry i do it--yet i do it all the time. i hate whining about my problems and doing nothing to change them. truth is my problems arent all that bad. im just jealous of what other people have, i guess. i see a good friend and the girl he loves, and as hard as i want to just be happy for them that theyre happy, i cant help but feel sick with envy every time i hear them tell each other they love one another. i see a friend write beautiful, touching words about his best friends, and their special day, and instead of simply being happy and inspired, im once again lost in jealousy. jealous that i dont have friends who inspire me. jealous i dont have a best friend.
i long to be the most important person in someones life. i long for the day when im the one they come to first, before anyone else in the world, for anything. to know that someone trusts me completely, and couldnt go a day without talking to me. every day of my life, theres always been someone else more important than me to the people i care about. its the most selfish thing ive ever wanted. its also something i want more than anything.
there are days where i think the only people that will cry at my funeral is my family. like, people would be sad, but theyd move on in a day or so. like, do i really affect anyones life in such a positive way that they really would be affected if i wasnt around? i know its stupid but i just dont think, other than my family, that anyone really needs me. im just the filler. the extra. the butt of the joke. the easy target.
here i am again, complaining. here i am again, telling the two or three people who read this some sob story about how i wish my life was so much different. im sorry. i wouldnt blame you if ud stopped reading this halfway through the third paragraph.
and no, this isnt me crying out for help or anything like that. its just me venting about the stupid thoughts that run through my brain at 1:30 in the morning, when my roommates are asleep and im alone with my thoughts. so i'll go to bed, wake up in the morning and go to class, and go on living my life. and while im walking to class, ill listen to music and think about shit that doesnt really matter, or could never happen. and when the music stops, and the fantasy world of the song is gone, ill be right back to reality. and inevitably, ill be disappointed.
i sincerely hope you cant relate to any of this. and if you cant, youre one more person im jealous of.
so i wish i was more than i am. i wish i was above all the pettiness that runs my life. i wish i could savor the moments, because the memories are fleeting. because i know i only get one go-round. and lifes to short to spend it wondering what if. so i wish i was more than a guy who wonders what if all the time.
i wish.
PS i wouldnt blame you if you were sick of hearing my sob stories. i know ive written this same blog many times in different forms. im sick of me too.
October 20, 2009
October 12, 2009
lazy
havent had much worth saying for the past few weeks. kind of in that lull of fall where nothings really important enough to go out and do.
speaking of fall, what the hell happened to it? we went straight from summer to winter. im willing to guarantee that the temp hasnt gone above 40 in two weeks. that sucks. makes me realize how stupid i was to stay in a cold weather climate for college. also makes me realize how stupid i am that i havent purchased gloves or a stocking hat of some type yet. whatever.
i just wish i could lay around the apartment all day during this weather. you know, when its too cold to go outside and do anything, and class is even less desirable. itd be pretty sweet if i ever got a class cancelled too. i've never had one cancelled. ever.
but class is over. more later.
speaking of fall, what the hell happened to it? we went straight from summer to winter. im willing to guarantee that the temp hasnt gone above 40 in two weeks. that sucks. makes me realize how stupid i was to stay in a cold weather climate for college. also makes me realize how stupid i am that i havent purchased gloves or a stocking hat of some type yet. whatever.
i just wish i could lay around the apartment all day during this weather. you know, when its too cold to go outside and do anything, and class is even less desirable. itd be pretty sweet if i ever got a class cancelled too. i've never had one cancelled. ever.
but class is over. more later.
October 2, 2009
rainy day
ever notice how on a rainy day, no ones in a good mood? they might not be in a bad mood, they just arent in a good one. rainy days are just depressing overall. you cant look forward to going out and doing anything because you're just gonna get cold and wet.
take this morning for instance. i got up (late as usual) and looked outside and just got disappointed. had to put on my coat and go out in this shitty, cold weather. immediately i was just aggrivated. so now, once class is over, i have to walk back in it. dumb. i cant even skip my other classes because i have stuff to turn in. dumber.
in other news, i previewed paramores new album Brand New Eyes in iTunes. i am in need of a copy. i dont have money, and cant stream it because of the iowa state network. so, if anyone owns/has it, let me know.
i sang for the first time in front of a person not named chandra the other day. felt awkward. especially when i didnt know the words and it screwed us up. i dont know if ill be ready for open mic night. mostly because im probably going to chicken out. i could do a speech in front of a million people and be fine. but sing? idk.
hopefully it rains that day. that'll give me an excuse not to go.
take this morning for instance. i got up (late as usual) and looked outside and just got disappointed. had to put on my coat and go out in this shitty, cold weather. immediately i was just aggrivated. so now, once class is over, i have to walk back in it. dumb. i cant even skip my other classes because i have stuff to turn in. dumber.
in other news, i previewed paramores new album Brand New Eyes in iTunes. i am in need of a copy. i dont have money, and cant stream it because of the iowa state network. so, if anyone owns/has it, let me know.
i sang for the first time in front of a person not named chandra the other day. felt awkward. especially when i didnt know the words and it screwed us up. i dont know if ill be ready for open mic night. mostly because im probably going to chicken out. i could do a speech in front of a million people and be fine. but sing? idk.
hopefully it rains that day. that'll give me an excuse not to go.
September 28, 2009
ambition
i need ambition. i need it in the worst way. i sit at this computer, watch videos, look and facebook and twitter, read columns by writers way better than i can ever hope to be, and think about how i should be studying.
i just cant find the ambition. my laziness has reached a new peak. today, while in the library, instead of studying for a speech test that was a few hours away, i watched tv shows on my computer. how much more ridiculous can i be?
and the worst part is, i know ill be disappointed when my grade reflects the work i put in. itll be worse cuz i have no one and nothing else to blame but myself. theres just so much more id rather be doing then reading about what some guy from tidewater virginia did 200 years ago. id rather be racing. id rather be listening to music. id rather be writing a sports column once a week and nothing else.
but to get all those things i have to put up with the grind of class and studying and tests. it just sucks, i guess. last year, i didnt want the school year to end because i loved it down here. i didnt really have much to look forward to that summer, or so i thought. then racing happened. now, with a new kart and newer equipment with the kart, i want the summer to be here now. i still love it here, and i love being in college and on my own. but racing, and everything surrounding it, is like my drug. i need it. i need it to distract me from the fact that i have no girlfriend, a shitty job, no money, and no ambition--except when i race.
i know you probably dont give a shit about racing. or that i like it. or that i do it. but hopefully you can understand needing something in your life for an escape. it just sucks that my escape is 8 months away. til then, ive just got to find something to take its place.
PS, if you havent heard, the bird is the word.
i just cant find the ambition. my laziness has reached a new peak. today, while in the library, instead of studying for a speech test that was a few hours away, i watched tv shows on my computer. how much more ridiculous can i be?
and the worst part is, i know ill be disappointed when my grade reflects the work i put in. itll be worse cuz i have no one and nothing else to blame but myself. theres just so much more id rather be doing then reading about what some guy from tidewater virginia did 200 years ago. id rather be racing. id rather be listening to music. id rather be writing a sports column once a week and nothing else.
but to get all those things i have to put up with the grind of class and studying and tests. it just sucks, i guess. last year, i didnt want the school year to end because i loved it down here. i didnt really have much to look forward to that summer, or so i thought. then racing happened. now, with a new kart and newer equipment with the kart, i want the summer to be here now. i still love it here, and i love being in college and on my own. but racing, and everything surrounding it, is like my drug. i need it. i need it to distract me from the fact that i have no girlfriend, a shitty job, no money, and no ambition--except when i race.
i know you probably dont give a shit about racing. or that i like it. or that i do it. but hopefully you can understand needing something in your life for an escape. it just sucks that my escape is 8 months away. til then, ive just got to find something to take its place.
PS, if you havent heard, the bird is the word.
September 24, 2009
travis barker
he's the best drummer alive. i dont care who esle you think it might be. it's travis fucking barker.
p.s. i cant wait for the blinkumentary. should be amazing.
p.s. i cant wait for the blinkumentary. should be amazing.
September 20, 2009
this is me racing this summer (im #10). its me proving i suck when i need to perform well (witness the getting passed after i take the lead). my sister video taped this. the race was a double show, and this was the first of the two. i won the second one, but my sister left after the first. cant say i blame her.
September 15, 2009
motivation
so i need some motivation. lately ive been a lazy pile of shit. despite having little to no money, i have yet to hunt for a job--apart from applying at fareway. none of my classes seem to make me want to try. at all.
i really need to break the cycle, because if i dont, there's a good chance i will end up in a bad situation. it seems as though all i can do now is buy things i cant afford and write songs. or, as ive stated before, poems that sort of look like songs. i tweeted mark hoppus to take a look at them on here. theres at least a 99% chance he never does, but it would be the best moment of my life if he did and tweeted back--even if he said he didnt like em.
lately there have been different things that have presented themselves as points of interest for me. writing is still a huge part of me, but the fact that songs are what interests me right now is strange to me. but the other part, that may be even weirder, is that ive kind of wanted to sing lately. see, i could speak in front of a thousand people no problem. but sing? not so much.
a friend also got a role as a stand-in on a movie recently. it made me realize that i miss my high school plays. not the plays themselves, but performing in them. i halfway want to try out for a play or something here at school. but then again, the fact that i'm a pile keeps that from happening.
but in the end, at least i know i want to do more while im here than write articles and play basketball once in a while. itd be cool to say ive actually branched out. its be cool to find a girl too.
so heres the latest song. i dont know if its good or not. but tell me the truth.
"Worth It"
I know when I see you,
I know when you speak
I know I can trust you,
Your words set me free
Like God up above, you know what I am
Just a boy you look past, A boy who’s in love
I don’t care what it takes, only what it will mean
For you to be with me, for me to be seen
So bring on the thunder, Bring on the rain
Bring on the hurt, and bring on the pain
Let’s make that jump now,
C’mon just make your move
Cuz baby it’s worth it, it’s worth it for love
I swear I can do this,
I swear I can go
Be more than you are,
be more than I know
A world up in flames, uncertainty abounds
My life sometimes feels like a ship run aground
So I sing this lament, so that someone will hear
And maybe can tackle that deep seeded fear
So bring on the thunder, bring on the rain
Bring on the hurt, and bring on the pain
Let’s make that jump now,
C’mon just make your move
Cuz baby it’s worth it, it’s worth it for love
Everywhere I go,
In all that I know,
One cure still exists
And you know what it is
If you could just realize,
And not hide behind,
That wall you have up,
Then babe, we could fly
So bring on that thunder, bring on that rain
Bring on that hurt, and bring on that pain
And we will pull through,
We will make this thing last
Put love in our future, and pain in our past
Cuz baby it’s worth it, worth it for love
Baby it’s worth it, worth it for love
i really need to break the cycle, because if i dont, there's a good chance i will end up in a bad situation. it seems as though all i can do now is buy things i cant afford and write songs. or, as ive stated before, poems that sort of look like songs. i tweeted mark hoppus to take a look at them on here. theres at least a 99% chance he never does, but it would be the best moment of my life if he did and tweeted back--even if he said he didnt like em.
lately there have been different things that have presented themselves as points of interest for me. writing is still a huge part of me, but the fact that songs are what interests me right now is strange to me. but the other part, that may be even weirder, is that ive kind of wanted to sing lately. see, i could speak in front of a thousand people no problem. but sing? not so much.
a friend also got a role as a stand-in on a movie recently. it made me realize that i miss my high school plays. not the plays themselves, but performing in them. i halfway want to try out for a play or something here at school. but then again, the fact that i'm a pile keeps that from happening.
but in the end, at least i know i want to do more while im here than write articles and play basketball once in a while. itd be cool to say ive actually branched out. its be cool to find a girl too.
so heres the latest song. i dont know if its good or not. but tell me the truth.
"Worth It"
I know when I see you,
I know when you speak
I know I can trust you,
Your words set me free
Like God up above, you know what I am
Just a boy you look past, A boy who’s in love
I don’t care what it takes, only what it will mean
For you to be with me, for me to be seen
So bring on the thunder, Bring on the rain
Bring on the hurt, and bring on the pain
Let’s make that jump now,
C’mon just make your move
Cuz baby it’s worth it, it’s worth it for love
I swear I can do this,
I swear I can go
Be more than you are,
be more than I know
A world up in flames, uncertainty abounds
My life sometimes feels like a ship run aground
So I sing this lament, so that someone will hear
And maybe can tackle that deep seeded fear
So bring on the thunder, bring on the rain
Bring on the hurt, and bring on the pain
Let’s make that jump now,
C’mon just make your move
Cuz baby it’s worth it, it’s worth it for love
Everywhere I go,
In all that I know,
One cure still exists
And you know what it is
If you could just realize,
And not hide behind,
That wall you have up,
Then babe, we could fly
So bring on that thunder, bring on that rain
Bring on that hurt, and bring on that pain
And we will pull through,
We will make this thing last
Put love in our future, and pain in our past
Cuz baby it’s worth it, worth it for love
Baby it’s worth it, worth it for love
September 12, 2009
champ
i went racing tonight. i didnt win the race, but i did run well, and finished 3rd out of 8 karts to clinch the 2009 points championship at that racetrack. it is my first championship of my racing "career" and i couldnt feel more vanilla about it.
the track i won the championship at, Cherokee, IA, is a low-fund racetrack, and didnt have a trophy or even a tshirt for any of the champions from the various classes.
i didnt even get acknowledged by the track promoter or officials. only the racer i beat (by 1 point) congratulated me, along with a few others in my class. it felt good, but not as good as it could've.
oh well. at least i know i did it. and i already cant wait for next season.
the track i won the championship at, Cherokee, IA, is a low-fund racetrack, and didnt have a trophy or even a tshirt for any of the champions from the various classes.
i didnt even get acknowledged by the track promoter or officials. only the racer i beat (by 1 point) congratulated me, along with a few others in my class. it felt good, but not as good as it could've.
oh well. at least i know i did it. and i already cant wait for next season.
September 8, 2009
untitled
yup, its another one. this one isnt emo i promise. it's supposed to be pop-punk.
Walk right in without a care
Puff up my chest,
cuz the girls all stare
What I didn't know
was my fly was down, TP on my heel
What you don't get though,
is this really isn't rare
Cuz I'm a fuckin loser baby
So how bout you maybe
Try and see past what I'm not
and look at what I've got
Sit down all embarassed,
cuz I know what I am
Stifle the thoughts and try not to stare at
that girl in the corner
who leaves me at half staff
She sees me and smiles,
I wonder, does she know?
That I'm a fuckin loser baby
So how bout you maybe
Try and see past what I'm not
and look at what I've got
But over she walked
and for an hour we talked
She said so much
and I looked, but didnt touch
She asked to go home together,
but what I've come to gather...
Is I'm a fuckin loser baby,
but you're fuckin crazy
From your cats to taylor swift,
I hate all of that shit
But I'll take you home anyway
cuz I need a good lay
I said I'll take you home anyway
cuz I need a good lay
probably lame, i know
Walk right in without a care
Puff up my chest,
cuz the girls all stare
What I didn't know
was my fly was down, TP on my heel
What you don't get though,
is this really isn't rare
Cuz I'm a fuckin loser baby
So how bout you maybe
Try and see past what I'm not
and look at what I've got
Sit down all embarassed,
cuz I know what I am
Stifle the thoughts and try not to stare at
that girl in the corner
who leaves me at half staff
She sees me and smiles,
I wonder, does she know?
That I'm a fuckin loser baby
So how bout you maybe
Try and see past what I'm not
and look at what I've got
But over she walked
and for an hour we talked
She said so much
and I looked, but didnt touch
She asked to go home together,
but what I've come to gather...
Is I'm a fuckin loser baby,
but you're fuckin crazy
From your cats to taylor swift,
I hate all of that shit
But I'll take you home anyway
cuz I need a good lay
I said I'll take you home anyway
cuz I need a good lay
probably lame, i know
September 6, 2009
how it ends
so i wrote another song. i'm lame, i know.
its tentatively called "how it ends"
I can't let go of what I want
chews me up, spits me out.
Makes me feel so small,
I'm afraid I'm going to fall
I sometimes ask God, why not me?
Want to feel loved, want to feel free
they tell me she's out there,
I laugh and ask, where?
So why can't I let go?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I have to know
how it ends?
No talent, no light,
is my future really that bright?
Pressure and expectations,
but I don't really know what I am facing.
Bottled up, gotta let it all out
wearing me down, giving me hell.
I know what I am, I know what I'm not
I'll look back on now, and say i forgot.
So why can't I let go?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I have to know
how it ends?
If I let go
If I escape
I can be free
I can betray
All of the demons
deep down inside
and know what love is
and not have to hide
So help me let go
help me forget
help me to find out
how it all ends...
Please help me let go...
Please help me forget
I just have to find out
how it ends.
its tentatively called "how it ends"
I can't let go of what I want
chews me up, spits me out.
Makes me feel so small,
I'm afraid I'm going to fall
I sometimes ask God, why not me?
Want to feel loved, want to feel free
they tell me she's out there,
I laugh and ask, where?
So why can't I let go?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I have to know
how it ends?
No talent, no light,
is my future really that bright?
Pressure and expectations,
but I don't really know what I am facing.
Bottled up, gotta let it all out
wearing me down, giving me hell.
I know what I am, I know what I'm not
I'll look back on now, and say i forgot.
So why can't I let go?
Why can't I forget?
Why do I have to know
how it ends?
If I let go
If I escape
I can be free
I can betray
All of the demons
deep down inside
and know what love is
and not have to hide
So help me let go
help me forget
help me to find out
how it all ends...
Please help me let go...
Please help me forget
I just have to find out
how it ends.
September 1, 2009
when she smiles
i went and saw live music tonight. everyone i saw was pretty good, including a friend of mine, who surprised me with just how good he was on guitar. the whole time i watched, mostly impressed, and wished i could do what they do.
i tried learning to play guitar--failed. i bought a harmonica when on vacation in oregon--quit in about 5 minutes. i used to play piano, but quit because i felt really gay. musically, im about as talented as a parapoligic in a pogo stick contest.
still, i cant stop at dreaming. im not afraid to say i rock out in the car when im alone. and sometimes i fool myself into believing i can actually sing. ill sing along with blink, green day, and some country stuff. for the most part, i feel like i dont do too bad of a job. then i try and sing when the music isnt playing, and realize exactly how talented i am. ha.
i guess the only way to find out is to sing in front of other people. i had someone tell me once that i had a good voice. but i think she's just being nice. i kinda, half-way, maybe might want to sing in front of a group of people. then again probably not.
i did write a song though. a friend of mine wanted a song written about her, so i obliged. the song is about her, but it's also about every guy's dream girl. okay, maybe not that lofty, but you'll get the point (at least i hope).
When she smiles
the world lights up,
when she smiles,
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must
Gotta know it all means something
want to know what it all means
see her every day
confused by her ways
cant figure out, i want to know
even when she is pissed i can't let go
but when she smiles
the world lights up
when she smiles
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must
different from me, different from you,
don't really know what she's been through
the way she talks, the way she walks
makes me watch...
annoying as hell,
cuz she's so damn cool, i totally fell
and when she smiles
the world lights up
when she smiles,
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must
when she smiles,
the world melts away
when she smiles,
beautiful in every way
when she smiles,
it's a brand new day
when she smiles,
stupid love songs start to play
when she smiles,
so can i...
when she smiles...
so can i...
when she smiles...
so you probably know what its called. it probably sucks. but hey, i never claimed to be a song writer.
i tried learning to play guitar--failed. i bought a harmonica when on vacation in oregon--quit in about 5 minutes. i used to play piano, but quit because i felt really gay. musically, im about as talented as a parapoligic in a pogo stick contest.
still, i cant stop at dreaming. im not afraid to say i rock out in the car when im alone. and sometimes i fool myself into believing i can actually sing. ill sing along with blink, green day, and some country stuff. for the most part, i feel like i dont do too bad of a job. then i try and sing when the music isnt playing, and realize exactly how talented i am. ha.
i guess the only way to find out is to sing in front of other people. i had someone tell me once that i had a good voice. but i think she's just being nice. i kinda, half-way, maybe might want to sing in front of a group of people. then again probably not.
i did write a song though. a friend of mine wanted a song written about her, so i obliged. the song is about her, but it's also about every guy's dream girl. okay, maybe not that lofty, but you'll get the point (at least i hope).
When she smiles
the world lights up,
when she smiles,
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must
Gotta know it all means something
want to know what it all means
see her every day
confused by her ways
cant figure out, i want to know
even when she is pissed i can't let go
but when she smiles
the world lights up
when she smiles
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must
different from me, different from you,
don't really know what she's been through
the way she talks, the way she walks
makes me watch...
annoying as hell,
cuz she's so damn cool, i totally fell
and when she smiles
the world lights up
when she smiles,
pulls me in, makes me love
when she smiles...
have her i must
when she smiles,
the world melts away
when she smiles,
beautiful in every way
when she smiles,
it's a brand new day
when she smiles,
stupid love songs start to play
when she smiles,
so can i...
when she smiles...
so can i...
when she smiles...
so you probably know what its called. it probably sucks. but hey, i never claimed to be a song writer.
August 31, 2009
my dead dog
so i watched marley and me on sunday afternoon with my sister, brother-in-law, and neice. the movie was pretty much what i expected it would be. funny. heartwarming. sad. blah blah blah. what did surprise me was, apart from the fact that wilson and aniston dont age at all in the movie, when it's clear a lot of time passes, that it made me think. a lot.
as i watched the dog get older, and knowing he was going to die before the movie was over, i couldnt help but ask myself: would i rather watch my beloved pet die slowly, or lose it abruptly (i.e. getting hit by a car)?
the one time i could take owen wilson's character seriously in the movie (i mean, c'mon, he doesn't play a father well, nor do i buy him as a successful columnist) was when he had to call home and tell his wife that the dog was in bad shape. i pictured myself having to make that decision, and it actually made me feel terrible. then when they showed the dog be euthinized (seriously, you're going to show people the dog actually dying?), i couldnt help but buy into the sappy shit that was this movie.
then it was all blown when they had the kids read their "letters to marley" after he buried the dog. it was just awkward.
i think it would be hard to watch my pet die slowly, but at least that way i would know i had all the time with it possible. i know pets are just animals, but at the end of the day they really are the only things that u can depend on loving you. no matter what. and to lose a pet like that abruptly would suck worse than having to take it to the vet to put it out of its misery.
either way, all "marley and me" did was depress me. there is was, enjoying a nice day with my neice, and that damn movie had to make me aware of the fact that im probably going to be at college when my currently 12 year-old dog, Rose, dies. my dad will call me, and it'll put me in a down mood for the rest of the day.
so thanks, "marley and me" you just showed me the future in a way. gotta love happy endings, right?
oh, wait...
as i watched the dog get older, and knowing he was going to die before the movie was over, i couldnt help but ask myself: would i rather watch my beloved pet die slowly, or lose it abruptly (i.e. getting hit by a car)?
the one time i could take owen wilson's character seriously in the movie (i mean, c'mon, he doesn't play a father well, nor do i buy him as a successful columnist) was when he had to call home and tell his wife that the dog was in bad shape. i pictured myself having to make that decision, and it actually made me feel terrible. then when they showed the dog be euthinized (seriously, you're going to show people the dog actually dying?), i couldnt help but buy into the sappy shit that was this movie.
then it was all blown when they had the kids read their "letters to marley" after he buried the dog. it was just awkward.
i think it would be hard to watch my pet die slowly, but at least that way i would know i had all the time with it possible. i know pets are just animals, but at the end of the day they really are the only things that u can depend on loving you. no matter what. and to lose a pet like that abruptly would suck worse than having to take it to the vet to put it out of its misery.
either way, all "marley and me" did was depress me. there is was, enjoying a nice day with my neice, and that damn movie had to make me aware of the fact that im probably going to be at college when my currently 12 year-old dog, Rose, dies. my dad will call me, and it'll put me in a down mood for the rest of the day.
so thanks, "marley and me" you just showed me the future in a way. gotta love happy endings, right?
oh, wait...
August 26, 2009
back to school.. back to school..
so i think i met my dream girl yesterday. she sat two people down from me in by JLMC 201 class, and to be honest i didnt even notice her til we started sharing about ourselves. i went before her and explained about my background.. the whole racing, writing thing.
then she went and what she said shocked me. first, she talked about how her brothers have raced stock cars for a long time, that she loved racing and had tried go-karts once herself. when she did i looked up and she was looking at me, recognizing we had something in common. i saw her and instantly thought she was in the top 5 of most beautiful girls i'd ever seen in person.
then she said something that shocked me even more. she had posed for campus girls usa. as soon as she said that every guy in the room looked at her. she did the whole blush, giggle, look down thing, and it really couldnt have been cuter. i dont believe in love at first sight, but damn that was close haha.
what are the chances there would be a MODEL sitting feet from me who likes RACING? probably 1 in a million. (so you're sayin' there's a chance!)
she was a hgihlight in an otherwise boring day of classes. is it bad that i dont really want to go to class already? o well. now if i could just get up the courage to talk to her myself.
doubt it.
then she went and what she said shocked me. first, she talked about how her brothers have raced stock cars for a long time, that she loved racing and had tried go-karts once herself. when she did i looked up and she was looking at me, recognizing we had something in common. i saw her and instantly thought she was in the top 5 of most beautiful girls i'd ever seen in person.
then she said something that shocked me even more. she had posed for campus girls usa. as soon as she said that every guy in the room looked at her. she did the whole blush, giggle, look down thing, and it really couldnt have been cuter. i dont believe in love at first sight, but damn that was close haha.
what are the chances there would be a MODEL sitting feet from me who likes RACING? probably 1 in a million. (so you're sayin' there's a chance!)
she was a hgihlight in an otherwise boring day of classes. is it bad that i dont really want to go to class already? o well. now if i could just get up the courage to talk to her myself.
doubt it.
August 9, 2009
i cant stand me
i want something more. i dont really know what it is, but there's gotta be something out there that will supress this knot in my stomach that makes me feel like im being left out or let down.
writing. racing. music. work. movies. all of it satisfies in small doses, but i cant deny that at the end of the day, when i turn off the tv and roll over to go to sleep, right as i close my eyes i get that same bummed out feeling.
its so damn frustrating. i havent done anything this summer, either. ive gone to work, went racing, then went back to work. one tubing trip. one canoe trip. no epic vacations. no visiting friends from school. no parties (i dont get phone calls from my "friends" on the weekends. ever.). i've hung out with my dad and uncle more than anyone this summer. don't get me wrong, its great, but c'mon.
i want to go ames in the worst way, but it'll be the same down there. i'll go to parties because ill be living with a person who goes out of his way to find one. but i know it wont be the same as last year. the friends i made then are ones i hope to keep the rest of my life, but time and space will only pull us apart. i dont want it to happen, but i cant help but think it will. something or someone will come along that is more important, and because im that kind of guy, i'll encourage them to go on and reach it, even if im left behind.
i dont like to be alone because when i am, these thought dominate my mind. but when im around other people, i cant help but want to be alone because my stupid mind is telling me that whoever im with is only putting up with me and doesnt really want me around. i cant even write without this shit making its way in. im even annoyed by how much i bitch.
i guess i just want to be fulfilled by something. i used to think racing did that for me. it does when im there doing it, but when i come home its this huge letdown that the race is over and i have to go back to the same old same old.
maybe im just being stupid, and maybe i need to get over myself and just live my life. but i cant help these stupid thoughts from entering my brain. i read something recently written by a friend about being bummed. thats pretty much the best way to describe how i feel when i get in bed at night. no girlfriend. unfulfilling job. high priced school. no money. bummer.
i dont want to be bummed anymore.
writing. racing. music. work. movies. all of it satisfies in small doses, but i cant deny that at the end of the day, when i turn off the tv and roll over to go to sleep, right as i close my eyes i get that same bummed out feeling.
its so damn frustrating. i havent done anything this summer, either. ive gone to work, went racing, then went back to work. one tubing trip. one canoe trip. no epic vacations. no visiting friends from school. no parties (i dont get phone calls from my "friends" on the weekends. ever.). i've hung out with my dad and uncle more than anyone this summer. don't get me wrong, its great, but c'mon.
i want to go ames in the worst way, but it'll be the same down there. i'll go to parties because ill be living with a person who goes out of his way to find one. but i know it wont be the same as last year. the friends i made then are ones i hope to keep the rest of my life, but time and space will only pull us apart. i dont want it to happen, but i cant help but think it will. something or someone will come along that is more important, and because im that kind of guy, i'll encourage them to go on and reach it, even if im left behind.
i dont like to be alone because when i am, these thought dominate my mind. but when im around other people, i cant help but want to be alone because my stupid mind is telling me that whoever im with is only putting up with me and doesnt really want me around. i cant even write without this shit making its way in. im even annoyed by how much i bitch.
i guess i just want to be fulfilled by something. i used to think racing did that for me. it does when im there doing it, but when i come home its this huge letdown that the race is over and i have to go back to the same old same old.
maybe im just being stupid, and maybe i need to get over myself and just live my life. but i cant help these stupid thoughts from entering my brain. i read something recently written by a friend about being bummed. thats pretty much the best way to describe how i feel when i get in bed at night. no girlfriend. unfulfilling job. high priced school. no money. bummer.
i dont want to be bummed anymore.
August 2, 2009
a lot of work
last night i learned something about myself. i was racing my go-kart in hartley, ia and in hot laps (the practice session before the actual races) i was the fastest on the track by far.
So, in my typical fashion, i hit the wall in my first heat race, destroying the right rear wheel and bending the rear axel (unrepairable). i sat on my trailer, looking at the mess in front of me, and thought for sure that my night was done and i let a sure win slip through my fingers cuz i was a dumbass.
Then something happened. i got a call from a racing friend of mine who heard how dejected i was and said two simple words: "fix it." i laughed at him. no way would we be able to find a new axel and a new wheel in time, right? well, the spirit of fellow racers again caught me off guard. the guy pitting next to us loaned me a wheel, and i found a guy who used to race against my dad, who sold me a used axel for $20 (theyre normally $120).
so we had the parts, but changing an axel is a ridiculous amount of work. it involves completely removing and replacing 30 different pieces, tightening and lossening countless bolts, all under the pressure of time.
over the course of the next hour and a half, my uncle, dad, and i worked like crazy to change the axel. we had to skip the second heat race, which meant i would have to start from the back in the feature.
we were literally tightening the last bolts when my class was ready to hit the track for the feature race. we ran up, started the kart and hit the track.
i promptly drove to the front and won the race. never had a better feeling. at least until i realized i destroyed the guys wheel i borrowed because we forgot to tighten one bolt that wouldve kept that tire in place.
1 broken wheel (mine) + 1 bent axel + another broken wheel (that guy's) = a race win? that's racin' i guess. im just proud of myself and my dad and uncle for working so hard. it makes all worth it when i cross that line first.
and you know what? i'd do it again in a heartbeat.
So, in my typical fashion, i hit the wall in my first heat race, destroying the right rear wheel and bending the rear axel (unrepairable). i sat on my trailer, looking at the mess in front of me, and thought for sure that my night was done and i let a sure win slip through my fingers cuz i was a dumbass.
Then something happened. i got a call from a racing friend of mine who heard how dejected i was and said two simple words: "fix it." i laughed at him. no way would we be able to find a new axel and a new wheel in time, right? well, the spirit of fellow racers again caught me off guard. the guy pitting next to us loaned me a wheel, and i found a guy who used to race against my dad, who sold me a used axel for $20 (theyre normally $120).
so we had the parts, but changing an axel is a ridiculous amount of work. it involves completely removing and replacing 30 different pieces, tightening and lossening countless bolts, all under the pressure of time.
over the course of the next hour and a half, my uncle, dad, and i worked like crazy to change the axel. we had to skip the second heat race, which meant i would have to start from the back in the feature.
we were literally tightening the last bolts when my class was ready to hit the track for the feature race. we ran up, started the kart and hit the track.
i promptly drove to the front and won the race. never had a better feeling. at least until i realized i destroyed the guys wheel i borrowed because we forgot to tighten one bolt that wouldve kept that tire in place.
1 broken wheel (mine) + 1 bent axel + another broken wheel (that guy's) = a race win? that's racin' i guess. im just proud of myself and my dad and uncle for working so hard. it makes all worth it when i cross that line first.
and you know what? i'd do it again in a heartbeat.
July 29, 2009
there is?
yea its been a while, so sue me.
i cant find anything to inspire me lately. i thought i found her, but i ended up with that same rejected feeling. its like getting kicked in the nuts after hearing ur dog died. epic fail.
i shouldve seen it coming, and probably knew on some level that it wouldnt end well when i told her how i felt. still tho, the other part of me thought she felt the same way. funny how life is, huh? someone can fool you completely, tear ur heart out, and still keep you captivated. dammit.
ive been told that it will just happen for me someday, i just have to be patient. fuck that. im tired of watching people around me who have what i want, take it for granted, lose it, then bitch about it. either that or they are just sickenly cute together, and make me even more jealous. i want to believe love is out there waiting for me, but for some reason that belief is starting to go away. i know im only 19, but i've never had a real relationship. anything that's started to get off the ground crashes and burns from bad timing.
whats even worse is normally in this situation i write. but i dont have anything to write about. my columns for the paper have lacked anything of substance, and that pisses me off. i hate sending in something that isnt my best. even this blog sucks, and i know its true.
the only thing going right for me right now is my racing. i won a race for the first time in 10 years on saturday. the feeling was unbelieveable. i got hand shakes and pats on the back from fellow racers and competitors, which is the best part of winning. when the guy you beat tells you congrats, its the best recognition you can get. that and seeing the look on my dad's face was worth every dime ive spent this summer doing it.
then i went to celebrate with her. let her know how i felt. got rejected. so long unbelieveable feeling. hello disappointment, i was starting to think you were gone. after we (she) decided our friendship was simply too important, i got in the jeep to go home and i heard this come out of my speakers right when i turned it on : "Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me? There is."
is there really? or do i have to pretend forever? august 15th cant come fast enough.
i cant find anything to inspire me lately. i thought i found her, but i ended up with that same rejected feeling. its like getting kicked in the nuts after hearing ur dog died. epic fail.
i shouldve seen it coming, and probably knew on some level that it wouldnt end well when i told her how i felt. still tho, the other part of me thought she felt the same way. funny how life is, huh? someone can fool you completely, tear ur heart out, and still keep you captivated. dammit.
ive been told that it will just happen for me someday, i just have to be patient. fuck that. im tired of watching people around me who have what i want, take it for granted, lose it, then bitch about it. either that or they are just sickenly cute together, and make me even more jealous. i want to believe love is out there waiting for me, but for some reason that belief is starting to go away. i know im only 19, but i've never had a real relationship. anything that's started to get off the ground crashes and burns from bad timing.
whats even worse is normally in this situation i write. but i dont have anything to write about. my columns for the paper have lacked anything of substance, and that pisses me off. i hate sending in something that isnt my best. even this blog sucks, and i know its true.
the only thing going right for me right now is my racing. i won a race for the first time in 10 years on saturday. the feeling was unbelieveable. i got hand shakes and pats on the back from fellow racers and competitors, which is the best part of winning. when the guy you beat tells you congrats, its the best recognition you can get. that and seeing the look on my dad's face was worth every dime ive spent this summer doing it.
then i went to celebrate with her. let her know how i felt. got rejected. so long unbelieveable feeling. hello disappointment, i was starting to think you were gone. after we (she) decided our friendship was simply too important, i got in the jeep to go home and i heard this come out of my speakers right when i turned it on : "Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me? There is."
is there really? or do i have to pretend forever? august 15th cant come fast enough.
July 11, 2009
id totally be ron
is anyone else ready for the harry potter premiere? cuz i cant fricken wait. all the previews look amazing, i just hope they havent shown us the good parts, making the rest of it a disappointment. that, and i hope they stuck to the book this time. 5 was a disappointment only because they took dramatic license and changed things around.
i got to thinking while watching harry potter 2 (the worst of the 5 so far) that i'm ron weasley. think about it. the red hair. the constant bitching. the lack of a girlfriend. the lack of confidence to tell the girl i like how i feel. the lack of talent at sports. the mediocrity in school. the lack of money. it all fits.
so does this mean i get to end up with emma watson? god i hope so.
speaking of movies, i watched the michael jackson memorial cuz there was nothing else on, and saw jennifer hudson sing "Will You Be There" aka the theme from Free Willy. is there a movie out there that can make you feel as good and as sad as Free Willy? i dont think so.
After hudson's song was done (awesome by the way. the poem he recites at the end is ridiculous.) i put free willy on and it brought back memories of when i was younger and watched it for the first time. i wanted so bad for willy to make that jump, and when he did i was happy at first. you know, that warm inside feeling when something happens just the way it should? then, when willy came back and had to say goodbye to jesse, i was almost depressed cuz it meant that they wouldnt get to hang out together anymore. still, loved it. id watch it again today if i had time. kinda makes me wanna go to sea world, too.
random thought before i go: any irony behind michael jackson doing a soundtrack for a movie for kids called free willy? i think so.
peace.
July 6, 2009
i depend on me
you just cant depend on people anymore. or maybe just i cant. seems like i cant rely on anyone to come through with the things they tell me they will do. whether its calling me back, meeting me somewhere when they say they will, or following through with a plans we've made.
if i want anything done i have to do it myself. doesnt matter what it is. something or someone else is always more important. someones birthday. someone elses party. or just something else they would rather do than what they planned with me. whatever. i guess im just tired of it.
oh well i guess.
this steve mcnair thing is fucked up. im guessing the woman he was with went crazy and killed herself and him. sad. mcnair was the toughest qb in the history of the nfl, bar none. brett favre couldnt hold a candle.
shits comin out about mcnair that people didnt want to find out. id say people should leave him and his family alone, but i realize this is the american media, and theres no way anyone will. in the end i just feel for his kids and wife. tough way to find those things out.
if i want anything done i have to do it myself. doesnt matter what it is. something or someone else is always more important. someones birthday. someone elses party. or just something else they would rather do than what they planned with me. whatever. i guess im just tired of it.
oh well i guess.
this steve mcnair thing is fucked up. im guessing the woman he was with went crazy and killed herself and him. sad. mcnair was the toughest qb in the history of the nfl, bar none. brett favre couldnt hold a candle.
shits comin out about mcnair that people didnt want to find out. id say people should leave him and his family alone, but i realize this is the american media, and theres no way anyone will. in the end i just feel for his kids and wife. tough way to find those things out.
July 2, 2009
i dont know what to do with myself
so this is the second day this week ive had off work and i dont know what to do with myself. i dont like going to work but i dont like sitting at home. maybe im just a bitch. haha.
i'd like to say publicly that ben gordon is a fucker, and he really fucked over the bulls. however, derrick rose will become one of the best pgs in the league this year, so when the bulls are beating on the pistons, gordon will suck it.
in other basketball news, shaq is going to be introduced as a Cavalier today. search is over for the next nba champ. cavs are going to win 75 games this year and lebron is going to officially take over the world with shaq right there with him, tweeting and making fun of kobe. and if you think kobe was pissed when shaq won with d-wade, wait til he and lebron beat kobe in the finals next year.
I also read on ESPN today that landon donovan rips mr spice girl himself david beckham. weird timing, anyone? all of a sudden us soccer is winning and donovan is ripping his TEAMMATE for not trying hard enough in practice. do you really think these comments would have surfaced if the us hadnt even had a chance to beat spain (which they got lucky to even do, with italy's win)? wow, soccer drama! to be fair, donovan has never been involved in things like this, and if he's coming out publicly with this kind of accusation, it probably has some validity. guys on the radio and tv talk about soccer like they know something (im looking at you, skip bayliss), and its rather funny when they get that look on their face, or they stumble over words when they realize they've been caught sounding retarded.
when i get my radio show (which is in the works. my broadcast partner and i just need to figure out our format and other minor details.) i'm going to prove that the guys in sports talk are really shitty at their jobs. a lot of guys just yell into the mic and blabber about nonsense just to hear themselves talk. no joke, i could probably work at ESPN radio today and be a top ten radio host. just clowns.
song of the day: man in the mirror. i woke up with that song in my head for some reason. maybe its a message from someone. hmm...
i'd like to say publicly that ben gordon is a fucker, and he really fucked over the bulls. however, derrick rose will become one of the best pgs in the league this year, so when the bulls are beating on the pistons, gordon will suck it.
in other basketball news, shaq is going to be introduced as a Cavalier today. search is over for the next nba champ. cavs are going to win 75 games this year and lebron is going to officially take over the world with shaq right there with him, tweeting and making fun of kobe. and if you think kobe was pissed when shaq won with d-wade, wait til he and lebron beat kobe in the finals next year.
I also read on ESPN today that landon donovan rips mr spice girl himself david beckham. weird timing, anyone? all of a sudden us soccer is winning and donovan is ripping his TEAMMATE for not trying hard enough in practice. do you really think these comments would have surfaced if the us hadnt even had a chance to beat spain (which they got lucky to even do, with italy's win)? wow, soccer drama! to be fair, donovan has never been involved in things like this, and if he's coming out publicly with this kind of accusation, it probably has some validity. guys on the radio and tv talk about soccer like they know something (im looking at you, skip bayliss), and its rather funny when they get that look on their face, or they stumble over words when they realize they've been caught sounding retarded.
when i get my radio show (which is in the works. my broadcast partner and i just need to figure out our format and other minor details.) i'm going to prove that the guys in sports talk are really shitty at their jobs. a lot of guys just yell into the mic and blabber about nonsense just to hear themselves talk. no joke, i could probably work at ESPN radio today and be a top ten radio host. just clowns.
song of the day: man in the mirror. i woke up with that song in my head for some reason. maybe its a message from someone. hmm...
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