more than i am

i wish i was more than i am. im lazy, unambitious, and totally undeserving of the good things in my life. i want to change, but i know i wont. i think im a good person, but that i waste what i have.

i hate complaining, and im sorry i do it--yet i do it all the time. i hate whining about my problems and doing nothing to change them. truth is my problems arent all that bad. im just jealous of what other people have, i guess. i see a good friend and the girl he loves, and as hard as i want to just be happy for them that theyre happy, i cant help but feel sick with envy every time i hear them tell each other they love one another. i see a friend write beautiful, touching words about his best friends, and their special day, and instead of simply being happy and inspired, im once again lost in jealousy. jealous that i dont have friends who inspire me. jealous i dont have a best friend.

i long to be the most important person in someones life. i long for the day when im the one they come to first, before anyone else in the world, for anything. to know that someone trusts me completely, and couldnt go a day without talking to me. every day of my life, theres always been someone else more important than me to the people i care about. its the most selfish thing ive ever wanted. its also something i want more than anything.

there are days where i think the only people that will cry at my funeral is my family. like, people would be sad, but theyd move on in a day or so. like, do i really affect anyones life in such a positive way that they really would be affected if i wasnt around? i know its stupid but i just dont think, other than my family, that anyone really needs me. im just the filler. the extra. the butt of the joke. the easy target.

here i am again, complaining. here i am again, telling the two or three people who read this some sob story about how i wish my life was so much different. im sorry. i wouldnt blame you if ud stopped reading this halfway through the third paragraph.

and no, this isnt me crying out for help or anything like that. its just me venting about the stupid thoughts that run through my brain at 1:30 in the morning, when my roommates are asleep and im alone with my thoughts. so i'll go to bed, wake up in the morning and go to class, and go on living my life. and while im walking to class, ill listen to music and think about shit that doesnt really matter, or could never happen. and when the music stops, and the fantasy world of the song is gone, ill be right back to reality. and inevitably, ill be disappointed.

i sincerely hope you cant relate to any of this. and if you cant, youre one more person im jealous of.

so i wish i was more than i am. i wish i was above all the pettiness that runs my life. i wish i could savor the moments, because the memories are fleeting. because i know i only get one go-round. and lifes to short to spend it wondering what if. so i wish i was more than a guy who wonders what if all the time.

i wish.





PS i wouldnt blame you if you were sick of hearing my sob stories. i know ive written this same blog many times in different forms. im sick of me too.