thank you, Dr. John Clarke

if you didn't know correct H1N1 prevention, this man has your answers.

iowa state football celebration

pure emotion after the win at nebraska. if this doesnt give u chills ur not human. (or ur not an iowa state fan. whatever.)

the mark, tom and travis show

rediscovered how awesome blink was back in the day.

more than i am

i wish i was more than i am. im lazy, unambitious, and totally undeserving of the good things in my life. i want to change, but i know i wont. i think im a good person, but that i waste what i have.

i hate complaining, and im sorry i do it--yet i do it all the time. i hate whining about my problems and doing nothing to change them. truth is my problems arent all that bad. im just jealous of what other people have, i guess. i see a good friend and the girl he loves, and as hard as i want to just be happy for them that theyre happy, i cant help but feel sick with envy every time i hear them tell each other they love one another. i see a friend write beautiful, touching words about his best friends, and their special day, and instead of simply being happy and inspired, im once again lost in jealousy. jealous that i dont have friends who inspire me. jealous i dont have a best friend.

i long to be the most important person in someones life. i long for the day when im the one they come to first, before anyone else in the world, for anything. to know that someone trusts me completely, and couldnt go a day without talking to me. every day of my life, theres always been someone else more important than me to the people i care about. its the most selfish thing ive ever wanted. its also something i want more than anything.

there are days where i think the only people that will cry at my funeral is my family. like, people would be sad, but theyd move on in a day or so. like, do i really affect anyones life in such a positive way that they really would be affected if i wasnt around? i know its stupid but i just dont think, other than my family, that anyone really needs me. im just the filler. the extra. the butt of the joke. the easy target.

here i am again, complaining. here i am again, telling the two or three people who read this some sob story about how i wish my life was so much different. im sorry. i wouldnt blame you if ud stopped reading this halfway through the third paragraph.

and no, this isnt me crying out for help or anything like that. its just me venting about the stupid thoughts that run through my brain at 1:30 in the morning, when my roommates are asleep and im alone with my thoughts. so i'll go to bed, wake up in the morning and go to class, and go on living my life. and while im walking to class, ill listen to music and think about shit that doesnt really matter, or could never happen. and when the music stops, and the fantasy world of the song is gone, ill be right back to reality. and inevitably, ill be disappointed.

i sincerely hope you cant relate to any of this. and if you cant, youre one more person im jealous of.

so i wish i was more than i am. i wish i was above all the pettiness that runs my life. i wish i could savor the moments, because the memories are fleeting. because i know i only get one go-round. and lifes to short to spend it wondering what if. so i wish i was more than a guy who wonders what if all the time.

i wish.





PS i wouldnt blame you if you were sick of hearing my sob stories. i know ive written this same blog many times in different forms. im sick of me too.

lazy

havent had much worth saying for the past few weeks. kind of in that lull of fall where nothings really important enough to go out and do.

speaking of fall, what the hell happened to it? we went straight from summer to winter. im willing to guarantee that the temp hasnt gone above 40 in two weeks. that sucks. makes me realize how stupid i was to stay in a cold weather climate for college. also makes me realize how stupid i am that i havent purchased gloves or a stocking hat of some type yet. whatever.

i just wish i could lay around the apartment all day during this weather. you know, when its too cold to go outside and do anything, and class is even less desirable. itd be pretty sweet if i ever got a class cancelled too. i've never had one cancelled. ever.

but class is over. more later.

rainy day

ever notice how on a rainy day, no ones in a good mood? they might not be in a bad mood, they just arent in a good one. rainy days are just depressing overall. you cant look forward to going out and doing anything because you're just gonna get cold and wet.

take this morning for instance. i got up (late as usual) and looked outside and just got disappointed. had to put on my coat and go out in this shitty, cold weather. immediately i was just aggrivated. so now, once class is over, i have to walk back in it. dumb. i cant even skip my other classes because i have stuff to turn in. dumber.

in other news, i previewed paramores new album Brand New Eyes in iTunes. i am in need of a copy. i dont have money, and cant stream it because of the iowa state network. so, if anyone owns/has it, let me know.

i sang for the first time in front of a person not named chandra the other day. felt awkward. especially when i didnt know the words and it screwed us up. i dont know if ill be ready for open mic night. mostly because im probably going to chicken out. i could do a speech in front of a million people and be fine. but sing? idk.

hopefully it rains that day. that'll give me an excuse not to go.