i cant stand me

i want something more. i dont really know what it is, but there's gotta be something out there that will supress this knot in my stomach that makes me feel like im being left out or let down.

writing. racing. music. work. movies. all of it satisfies in small doses, but i cant deny that at the end of the day, when i turn off the tv and roll over to go to sleep, right as i close my eyes i get that same bummed out feeling.

its so damn frustrating. i havent done anything this summer, either. ive gone to work, went racing, then went back to work. one tubing trip. one canoe trip. no epic vacations. no visiting friends from school. no parties (i dont get phone calls from my "friends" on the weekends. ever.). i've hung out with my dad and uncle more than anyone this summer. don't get me wrong, its great, but c'mon.

i want to go ames in the worst way, but it'll be the same down there. i'll go to parties because ill be living with a person who goes out of his way to find one. but i know it wont be the same as last year. the friends i made then are ones i hope to keep the rest of my life, but time and space will only pull us apart. i dont want it to happen, but i cant help but think it will. something or someone will come along that is more important, and because im that kind of guy, i'll encourage them to go on and reach it, even if im left behind.

i dont like to be alone because when i am, these thought dominate my mind. but when im around other people, i cant help but want to be alone because my stupid mind is telling me that whoever im with is only putting up with me and doesnt really want me around. i cant even write without this shit making its way in. im even annoyed by how much i bitch.

i guess i just want to be fulfilled by something. i used to think racing did that for me. it does when im there doing it, but when i come home its this huge letdown that the race is over and i have to go back to the same old same old.

maybe im just being stupid, and maybe i need to get over myself and just live my life. but i cant help these stupid thoughts from entering my brain. i read something recently written by a friend about being bummed. thats pretty much the best way to describe how i feel when i get in bed at night. no girlfriend. unfulfilling job. high priced school. no money. bummer.

i dont want to be bummed anymore.