my dead dog

so i watched marley and me on sunday afternoon with my sister, brother-in-law, and neice. the movie was pretty much what i expected it would be. funny. heartwarming. sad. blah blah blah. what did surprise me was, apart from the fact that wilson and aniston dont age at all in the movie, when it's clear a lot of time passes, that it made me think. a lot.

as i watched the dog get older, and knowing he was going to die before the movie was over, i couldnt help but ask myself: would i rather watch my beloved pet die slowly, or lose it abruptly (i.e. getting hit by a car)?

the one time i could take owen wilson's character seriously in the movie (i mean, c'mon, he doesn't play a father well, nor do i buy him as a successful columnist) was when he had to call home and tell his wife that the dog was in bad shape. i pictured myself having to make that decision, and it actually made me feel terrible. then when they showed the dog be euthinized (seriously, you're going to show people the dog actually dying?), i couldnt help but buy into the sappy shit that was this movie.

then it was all blown when they had the kids read their "letters to marley" after he buried the dog. it was just awkward.

i think it would be hard to watch my pet die slowly, but at least that way i would know i had all the time with it possible. i know pets are just animals, but at the end of the day they really are the only things that u can depend on loving you. no matter what. and to lose a pet like that abruptly would suck worse than having to take it to the vet to put it out of its misery.

either way, all "marley and me" did was depress me. there is was, enjoying a nice day with my neice, and that damn movie had to make me aware of the fact that im probably going to be at college when my currently 12 year-old dog, Rose, dies. my dad will call me, and it'll put me in a down mood for the rest of the day.

so thanks, "marley and me" you just showed me the future in a way. gotta love happy endings, right?

oh, wait...

back to school.. back to school..

so i think i met my dream girl yesterday. she sat two people down from me in by JLMC 201 class, and to be honest i didnt even notice her til we started sharing about ourselves. i went before her and explained about my background.. the whole racing, writing thing.

then she went and what she said shocked me. first, she talked about how her brothers have raced stock cars for a long time, that she loved racing and had tried go-karts once herself. when she did i looked up and she was looking at me, recognizing we had something in common. i saw her and instantly thought she was in the top 5 of most beautiful girls i'd ever seen in person.

then she said something that shocked me even more. she had posed for campus girls usa. as soon as she said that every guy in the room looked at her. she did the whole blush, giggle, look down thing, and it really couldnt have been cuter. i dont believe in love at first sight, but damn that was close haha.

what are the chances there would be a MODEL sitting feet from me who likes RACING? probably 1 in a million. (so you're sayin' there's a chance!)

she was a hgihlight in an otherwise boring day of classes. is it bad that i dont really want to go to class already? o well. now if i could just get up the courage to talk to her myself.

doubt it.

i cant stand me

i want something more. i dont really know what it is, but there's gotta be something out there that will supress this knot in my stomach that makes me feel like im being left out or let down.

writing. racing. music. work. movies. all of it satisfies in small doses, but i cant deny that at the end of the day, when i turn off the tv and roll over to go to sleep, right as i close my eyes i get that same bummed out feeling.

its so damn frustrating. i havent done anything this summer, either. ive gone to work, went racing, then went back to work. one tubing trip. one canoe trip. no epic vacations. no visiting friends from school. no parties (i dont get phone calls from my "friends" on the weekends. ever.). i've hung out with my dad and uncle more than anyone this summer. don't get me wrong, its great, but c'mon.

i want to go ames in the worst way, but it'll be the same down there. i'll go to parties because ill be living with a person who goes out of his way to find one. but i know it wont be the same as last year. the friends i made then are ones i hope to keep the rest of my life, but time and space will only pull us apart. i dont want it to happen, but i cant help but think it will. something or someone will come along that is more important, and because im that kind of guy, i'll encourage them to go on and reach it, even if im left behind.

i dont like to be alone because when i am, these thought dominate my mind. but when im around other people, i cant help but want to be alone because my stupid mind is telling me that whoever im with is only putting up with me and doesnt really want me around. i cant even write without this shit making its way in. im even annoyed by how much i bitch.

i guess i just want to be fulfilled by something. i used to think racing did that for me. it does when im there doing it, but when i come home its this huge letdown that the race is over and i have to go back to the same old same old.

maybe im just being stupid, and maybe i need to get over myself and just live my life. but i cant help these stupid thoughts from entering my brain. i read something recently written by a friend about being bummed. thats pretty much the best way to describe how i feel when i get in bed at night. no girlfriend. unfulfilling job. high priced school. no money. bummer.

i dont want to be bummed anymore.

a lot of work

last night i learned something about myself. i was racing my go-kart in hartley, ia and in hot laps (the practice session before the actual races) i was the fastest on the track by far.

So, in my typical fashion, i hit the wall in my first heat race, destroying the right rear wheel and bending the rear axel (unrepairable). i sat on my trailer, looking at the mess in front of me, and thought for sure that my night was done and i let a sure win slip through my fingers cuz i was a dumbass.

Then something happened. i got a call from a racing friend of mine who heard how dejected i was and said two simple words: "fix it." i laughed at him. no way would we be able to find a new axel and a new wheel in time, right? well, the spirit of fellow racers again caught me off guard. the guy pitting next to us loaned me a wheel, and i found a guy who used to race against my dad, who sold me a used axel for $20 (theyre normally $120).

so we had the parts, but changing an axel is a ridiculous amount of work. it involves completely removing and replacing 30 different pieces, tightening and lossening countless bolts, all under the pressure of time.

over the course of the next hour and a half, my uncle, dad, and i worked like crazy to change the axel. we had to skip the second heat race, which meant i would have to start from the back in the feature.

we were literally tightening the last bolts when my class was ready to hit the track for the feature race. we ran up, started the kart and hit the track.

i promptly drove to the front and won the race. never had a better feeling. at least until i realized i destroyed the guys wheel i borrowed because we forgot to tighten one bolt that wouldve kept that tire in place.

1 broken wheel (mine) + 1 bent axel + another broken wheel (that guy's) = a race win? that's racin' i guess. im just proud of myself and my dad and uncle for working so hard. it makes all worth it when i cross that line first.

and you know what? i'd do it again in a heartbeat.