there is?

yea its been a while, so sue me.

i cant find anything to inspire me lately. i thought i found her, but i ended up with that same rejected feeling. its like getting kicked in the nuts after hearing ur dog died. epic fail.

i shouldve seen it coming, and probably knew on some level that it wouldnt end well when i told her how i felt. still tho, the other part of me thought she felt the same way. funny how life is, huh? someone can fool you completely, tear ur heart out, and still keep you captivated. dammit.

ive been told that it will just happen for me someday, i just have to be patient. fuck that. im tired of watching people around me who have what i want, take it for granted, lose it, then bitch about it. either that or they are just sickenly cute together, and make me even more jealous. i want to believe love is out there waiting for me, but for some reason that belief is starting to go away. i know im only 19, but i've never had a real relationship. anything that's started to get off the ground crashes and burns from bad timing.

whats even worse is normally in this situation i write. but i dont have anything to write about. my columns for the paper have lacked anything of substance, and that pisses me off. i hate sending in something that isnt my best. even this blog sucks, and i know its true.

the only thing going right for me right now is my racing. i won a race for the first time in 10 years on saturday. the feeling was unbelieveable. i got hand shakes and pats on the back from fellow racers and competitors, which is the best part of winning. when the guy you beat tells you congrats, its the best recognition you can get. that and seeing the look on my dad's face was worth every dime ive spent this summer doing it.

then i went to celebrate with her. let her know how i felt. got rejected. so long unbelieveable feeling. hello disappointment, i was starting to think you were gone. after we (she) decided our friendship was simply too important, i got in the jeep to go home and i heard this come out of my speakers right when i turned it on : "Will i shake this off, pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me? There is."

is there really? or do i have to pretend forever? august 15th cant come fast enough.

id totally be ron

is anyone else ready for the harry potter premiere? cuz i cant fricken wait. all the previews look amazing, i just hope they havent shown us the good parts, making the rest of it a disappointment. that, and i hope they stuck to the book this time. 5 was a disappointment only because they took dramatic license and changed things around.

i got to thinking while watching harry potter 2 (the worst of the 5 so far) that i'm ron weasley. think about it. the red hair. the constant bitching. the lack of a girlfriend. the lack of confidence to tell the girl i like how i feel. the lack of talent at sports. the mediocrity in school. the lack of money. it all fits.

so does this mean i get to end up with emma watson? god i hope so.

speaking of movies, i watched the michael jackson memorial cuz there was nothing else on, and saw jennifer hudson sing "Will You Be There" aka the theme from Free Willy. is there a movie out there that can make you feel as good and as sad as Free Willy? i dont think so.

After hudson's song was done (awesome by the way. the poem he recites at the end is ridiculous.) i put free willy on and it brought back memories of when i was younger and watched it for the first time. i wanted so bad for willy to make that jump, and when he did i was happy at first. you know, that warm inside feeling when something happens just the way it should? then, when willy came back and had to say goodbye to jesse, i was almost depressed cuz it meant that they wouldnt get to hang out together anymore. still, loved it. id watch it again today if i had time. kinda makes me wanna go to sea world, too.

random thought before i go: any irony behind michael jackson doing a soundtrack for a movie for kids called free willy? i think so.

peace.

i depend on me

you just cant depend on people anymore. or maybe just i cant. seems like i cant rely on anyone to come through with the things they tell me they will do. whether its calling me back, meeting me somewhere when they say they will, or following through with a plans we've made.

if i want anything done i have to do it myself. doesnt matter what it is. something or someone else is always more important. someones birthday. someone elses party. or just something else they would rather do than what they planned with me. whatever. i guess im just tired of it.

oh well i guess.



this steve mcnair thing is fucked up. im guessing the woman he was with went crazy and killed herself and him. sad. mcnair was the toughest qb in the history of the nfl, bar none. brett favre couldnt hold a candle.

shits comin out about mcnair that people didnt want to find out. id say people should leave him and his family alone, but i realize this is the american media, and theres no way anyone will. in the end i just feel for his kids and wife. tough way to find those things out.

i dont know what to do with myself

so this is the second day this week ive had off work and i dont know what to do with myself. i dont like going to work but i dont like sitting at home. maybe im just a bitch. haha.

i'd like to say publicly that ben gordon is a fucker, and he really fucked over the bulls. however, derrick rose will become one of the best pgs in the league this year, so when the bulls are beating on the pistons, gordon will suck it.

in other basketball news, shaq is going to be introduced as a Cavalier today. search is over for the next nba champ. cavs are going to win 75 games this year and lebron is going to officially take over the world with shaq right there with him, tweeting and making fun of kobe. and if you think kobe was pissed when shaq won with d-wade, wait til he and lebron beat kobe in the finals next year.

I also read on ESPN today that landon donovan rips mr spice girl himself david beckham. weird timing, anyone? all of a sudden us soccer is winning and donovan is ripping his TEAMMATE for not trying hard enough in practice. do you really think these comments would have surfaced if the us hadnt even had a chance to beat spain (which they got lucky to even do, with italy's win)? wow, soccer drama! to be fair, donovan has never been involved in things like this, and if he's coming out publicly with this kind of accusation, it probably has some validity. guys on the radio and tv talk about soccer like they know something (im looking at you, skip bayliss), and its rather funny when they get that look on their face, or they stumble over words when they realize they've been caught sounding retarded.

when i get my radio show (which is in the works. my broadcast partner and i just need to figure out our format and other minor details.) i'm going to prove that the guys in sports talk are really shitty at their jobs. a lot of guys just yell into the mic and blabber about nonsense just to hear themselves talk. no joke, i could probably work at ESPN radio today and be a top ten radio host. just clowns.

song of the day: man in the mirror. i woke up with that song in my head for some reason. maybe its a message from someone. hmm...