Friday. Please.

So I took my Stat final today, and i have to be honest, i dont know how well it went. I don't think i failed by any means, but it definitely didn't go as well as i'd hoped.

I realized today, though, that i'm scared as shit. I'm scared to fail in everything. I'm scared to take Geology because im not prepared in the least. I should've studied all day, but i didnt. I should be studying now, but im not. Im putting it off because im scared.

Well, fuck being scared. I dont want to feel this way. I know i'll feel relieved and the pressure will be off by 4 pm tomorrow, but that doesnt do anything for me now. A friend of mine wants to be relaxed again. He wants summer. He wants the same things i do. I think everyone wants those things.

There's no doubt in my mind that ill be fine in 24 hours. Why then, can't those 24 hours go by faster? Is it a type of punishment? Im not really sure, but i do know that theres a reason i feel this way.

I had a conversation with someone this weekend about being open with people. Im good friends with this person, at least i consider him a good friend, and he knows he can come to me whenever. But still, i know how he feels. He doesnt like to talk about him because he doesnt like to--because he doesnt want to affect how he feels about himself.

I get that completely. I dont want to talk about myself for other reasons. I dont think people care about me, aside from my family. I can talk up and down about my life, about my fears and concerns, about who i want to be, and no matter what the person im talking to says, a part of me is screaming that they dont really care.

I know i have friends. I know people care. But, that doubt is still there.

I've never had a best friend. I've never had someone need me to talk to them. I've never been in love. I've never had a real girlfriend.

I want so bad for all of those things. I know my life is good. I've given those reasons before. At the same time, the things listed leave me feeling a little empty.

So, i'll tell that friend: you're not the only one who feels that way. We both feel empty. Im scared because i need to succeed to feel less empty. Okay, maybe not succeed, but at least not fail. Either way, only time will tell.

'Til then i guess ill just have to keep on keeping on. Something has to fill me up eventually.