ok, he's dead, i get it

i realize that the death of michael jackson is a momentous event. i realize that he had millions of fans who deserve to mourn their favorite performer. i'm just tired of the overdramatics. the man was an incredible talent, unequalled in the pop genre, no doubt. but c'mon, the dude was a freak. little boys and trying to be white. marrying lisa marie presley, kissing her on live tv in one of the most awkward moments in mtv history. dangling his infant son over a balcony. i could go on and on.

why is it okay now to say how good he was and how much he'll be missed? why couldnt people defend him like they are now when he was alive. sure, he had defenders, but overall the public couldnt give two shits about him because he was so weird. theres a reason you hadnt heard anything about him since his trial was over. (for the record i think he was being extorted by the child in question. there is no denying, however, that some weird things were going down at that ranch. alarms leading up to his room to warn him when people were getting close? c'mon.)

at the end of the day, i respect the talent of the king of pop. he deserves that title based purely on his talent. but im not going to go overboard like most people and pretend to be so impressed by him and that i always loved thriller and bad and man in the mirror. i respect him. but i dont have to like him.

so ive been working on a movie script. i have the whole story line in my head, and have begun some character devlopment, but have yet to put it down on paper. im afraid that if i start to put it down itll end up shitty or that i wont finish it. that and i dont really know if the idea is any good. basic plot line is a kid lives on a ranch with his alcoholic mother. his dad cheated on his mom, then moved to new york to be with the new woman. the dad gets abducted for losing a guy money in a deal, the kid gets called comes to new york and the dad gets killed. kid wants to take revenge, blah blah. i think its better than that summary makes it sound, but then again maybe not.

oh, and im calling a quarter final exit for the US in the World Cup. yes, im a fair weather fan, and ill make no secret of it. this DOES NOT, however, give soccer a chance to become popular in the US. give up people, itll never happen.

decisions decisions

well, i had a solid weekend. I worked all day friday. I worked till noon on saturday, then went racing. had a good night there, finishing 2nd to a good friend of mine. It felt good to run up front again, and even better to have a competitive battle with an old friend.

After the races we sat and drank and reminisced about past racing days. fun times.

Then i woke up this morning and worked all day again. So, like i said, solid. At least i'm making money though, right? At least thats what everyone tells me.

Interesting news on that point though. I may soon not have to worry bout money for college. I've begun serious talks with Sgt. Winter of the Army Recruiting Office in Spencer about joining the Army Reserves. I'd be an Army Journalist a few weekends a month for three years after college, with a definite possibility of deployment.

I know what you might be thinking: Whitey's not an Army type of guy. I agree. I need someone to pay for my school, and it might as well be the taxpayers of the country i might serve for. It's not only the money that draws me to the US Militatry. My grandpa served in WWII, and was very proud of it. My mom and two of her brothers served, as well as her father. I believe it to be an honor to wear our nation's flag on my shoulder.

It's not that i want to go kill people or even that i support the war (don't really know what i would be supporting if i did). I simply want to serve my country and reap the benefits. I wouldnt even really be a soldier. I'd be on the radio or writing about whats going on over there. I'd love to end up like Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam, pissing people off and doing pretty much what i want while befriending a local and his sister, only to find out he's really the enemy, then getting sent home for it.

The decision hasnt been made yet, but at this point i doubt ill have the money to pay for school on my own, so i may have no choice.

and hey, if i died over there you wouldnt have to listen to me bitch anymore. imagine the possibilities.. haha

i want pokey stix. now.

"Sometimes, I wish I was smart. I wish I made cures for how people are. I wish I had power. I wish I could lead. I wish I could change the world for you and me."

That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. Regardless of how corny or stupid it sounds, sometimes a person just wants to feel more in control of themselves. There's a shit ton of uncertainty in this world--maybe that's all i want, certainty.

To know what's coming is pretty much all i want. Now knowing how it will all turn out is killing me.

Ya know what else? I just hate stupid people. Why is everyone today a fucking idiot? People who have no clue what theyre talking about spew shit out of their mouths like a damn faucet. Perez Hilton should be shot in the head. I can't turn on any news outlet and hear an objective opinion to save my life.

I've never wanted to be in Ames so bad in my life. I miss the place so much it hurts. I miss being able to call gumbys at 11 and have pokey stix delivered. I miss just walking on campus and hearing the camponille. I even miss Iowa State's god-awful sports teams.

But i'm done complaining. i hope blink releases their new song soon. mark hoppus has said they'll release it before the tour, which starts soon. I have a feeling it's gonna be epic. But ive been wrong before.

A lot.

what a wonderful life

so i've been sitting here for the last hour contemplating my future. i don't really know what the fuck is going to happen, but i do know that whatever happens, i wont have any money with which to do it. i worked 50 hours last week, all of which is going towards school. the kicker is i could do that every week and still not make enough money to go to school.

Between that job and my two others, i worked nearly 70 hours last week. the money from my other two jobs goes straight to gas and my fucking jeep, which was nearly totalled(along with myself) when some jackass decided to be in my lane one morning, hitting me with his driver's side mirror and destroying my windshield. 250 bones down the toilet.

On top of that, when i get home i get to listen to my mom bitch at me for not doing one of the following: the dishes, my laundry, getting my oil changed, fixing her husband's trailer, walking her dogs, or (my personal favorie) giving her the correct attitude.

Im sick and fucking tired of having to live up to everyone else's expectations. I cant rely on anyone besides myself to get shit done, because whenever i need a favor the other person just so happens not to be able to do it. so i get to work my ass of all day, have no money to have fun in the damn summer, and get yelled at by my parents.

They tell me in one breath how proud they are of me and everything, then in the next tell me how much i need to change, making me feel like an awful human being. I've never met two people so good at complimenting me at the beginning of a sentence and tearing me down by the end of it.

I guess i just cant win with anyone anymore. Seems like no matter what i do in life someone ends up pissed at me. i could come home with a million dollars and my mom would find a way to make me a spoiled brat, ungrateful son, or point out that i put my priorities out of whack in some way.

I just want to be 19 and have some fun while im not in school. I've never wanted to go back to school and worry bout homework so bad in my life. i cant even laugh at TV at this point, and that hasn't happened in a while. i spose it could be worse, i could be unemployed and have no chance whatsoever to go to school. Oh, wait, i may have no chance anyway.

Maybe i should just join the fucking Army, go to Iraq and escape it all. At least if i get yelled at there i'll know i deserved it.

balls deep in that bitch

got drunk for the first time all summer last night. smirnoff + jell-o = good times. itd been so long since i had that i forgot what it felt like. now i know why i spent half the weekends of my first year at college drinking shitty vodka.

i also realized that im not the worst beer pong player in the world. that title belongs to ashley king, who made four cups in five games, three of which we won. apparently i was the perfect amount of drunk to make shots.

bought my ticket to see blink in omaha/cedar rapids on aug 16th. cant be more excited. mostly cuz i want to see if tom delonge will get that damn frog out of his throat and sing like he used to. blink is not angels and airwaves, tom.. that whining shit wont work.

btw, conan is fricken amazing on the tonight show. did you see his first show with will ferrell?

ferrell came in on some raised chair-thing and was his usual self. conan was the perfect choice to follow leno. he already had a huge fan base, and i think LA will suit him well.

speaking of will ferrell, land of the lost previews lead me to believe it is going to be funny. however, i thought the same thing about other comdey previews, and they ended up showing all the funny parts in the commercials. here's to hoping it doesnt suck.

i also feel like the only person who hasnt seen hangover. if its as good as i hear, it might be worth the 20 mile drive and $7 ticket.

i wish i had more interesting things to say, but alas, my life is an endless parade of work and racing, whether it be my own or that which i cover for the paper. 10th straight day of work tomorrow. bring it on.

just when i thought i was out..

even in the worst of the three godfather movies (and by worst i mean least good) pacino is a badass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU&NR=1

aside from sohpia coppola ("no, dad! no!" give me a break...), this movie was good. the first two were just too good.

freakin' shit

lebrons game winner had a newscast freakin' shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvTsT_zPGm4

CAVS WIN!!! CAVS WIN!!

haha

summer.. or is it?

i was online today and realized that ive kind of lost touch with pop culture reality. i dont know much of anything going on in movies or tv, aside from the fact that the smallville season finale pissed me off. i work all the fucking time, so i rarely have time to watch tv or cruise the internet. probably why i havent been on here in 9 days. it doesnt even feel like summer to me.

So i heard there was some chick on american idol who semi-stripped in the finale. had i seen that live, more that likely i wouldve voted for her, purely because shes the only girl (adam lambert excluded, but ill get to him in a second) and shes attractive.

I hadnt seen any episodes of idol this season, nor have i watched since carrie underwood won (still the hottest woman in country music). i saw on the tmz show on fox one night that adam lambert could become the first gay idol winner. come to find out he didnt. i was actually surprised. i figured people would rally around his being gay and on such a popular show. he hasnt actually said if hes gay or not, but c'mon. hard to believe lance bass wasnt there cheering him on.

(maybe he was, idk, like i said i didnt watch.)

either way, the only reason i even knew his name was because people were bitching about him losing on twitter. yes, i twitter, and even though i cant get away from it, i still think its the dumbest invention yet. especially since oprahs on it now.it was on there that i found out shawn johnson won dwts. met her once. she was short, spoiled, and looked like she didnt want to be there. she'll end up in rehab in 5 years when her 15 min of fame are up, im calling it right now. either that or she'll get her own reality show.

oh, and for the record, 21st Century Breakdown is a good record, and dont even start with me alo. listen to it on rhapsody for free. 21 guns (track 16) is awesome.

fin.

Working my life away

Got my grades today. A, B, B, B-. Not the best, but i'll take it.

Since i got home ive been working non stop. 30 hours so far this week, and it's only thursday. Yeah, the money'll be nice, but i wont get to use any of it for the shit i want to use it for because the great Iowa State University wants all of my money. Kind of a lot frustrating.

I drive a delivery truck, so i have a lot of time to think about shit, and me having to pay iowa state comes up a lot.

I get to wondering about the way our government is trying to repair our economy. Theyre sticking money in banks and other things, obviously making an effort. However, i ask one question, and it has a rather simple answer. Who will be the largest group of people to spend money, therefore stimulating the economy, in the future? College students.

Why then, is our government making it harder for us to get an education by taking away student loan opportunities. I understand that if they put too much money into students' education that there wont be jobs for us when we graduate, but surely something can be done.

Also, why not bail out the automakers? Dont give them money directly, but give the people a credit with which to get a new vehicle. Say the government buys cars for qualified Americans who've paid their taxes and such. Wouldn't that sustain, if not create, jobs for the automakers?

Maybe i'm naive and my questions and ideas are stupid, but the stuff ive said seems like common sense to me. Then again, those people are in power for a reason. I just hope theyre not the wrong reasons.

In any case, i'll get to work my life away regardless of bailout money or the creation of jobs. Like my mom said today; welcome to the real world. Nice to fucking meet you.

Friday. Please.

So I took my Stat final today, and i have to be honest, i dont know how well it went. I don't think i failed by any means, but it definitely didn't go as well as i'd hoped.

I realized today, though, that i'm scared as shit. I'm scared to fail in everything. I'm scared to take Geology because im not prepared in the least. I should've studied all day, but i didnt. I should be studying now, but im not. Im putting it off because im scared.

Well, fuck being scared. I dont want to feel this way. I know i'll feel relieved and the pressure will be off by 4 pm tomorrow, but that doesnt do anything for me now. A friend of mine wants to be relaxed again. He wants summer. He wants the same things i do. I think everyone wants those things.

There's no doubt in my mind that ill be fine in 24 hours. Why then, can't those 24 hours go by faster? Is it a type of punishment? Im not really sure, but i do know that theres a reason i feel this way.

I had a conversation with someone this weekend about being open with people. Im good friends with this person, at least i consider him a good friend, and he knows he can come to me whenever. But still, i know how he feels. He doesnt like to talk about him because he doesnt like to--because he doesnt want to affect how he feels about himself.

I get that completely. I dont want to talk about myself for other reasons. I dont think people care about me, aside from my family. I can talk up and down about my life, about my fears and concerns, about who i want to be, and no matter what the person im talking to says, a part of me is screaming that they dont really care.

I know i have friends. I know people care. But, that doubt is still there.

I've never had a best friend. I've never had someone need me to talk to them. I've never been in love. I've never had a real girlfriend.

I want so bad for all of those things. I know my life is good. I've given those reasons before. At the same time, the things listed leave me feeling a little empty.

So, i'll tell that friend: you're not the only one who feels that way. We both feel empty. Im scared because i need to succeed to feel less empty. Okay, maybe not succeed, but at least not fail. Either way, only time will tell.

'Til then i guess ill just have to keep on keeping on. Something has to fill me up eventually.

last day of classes/lookin forward to the weekend

So I'm sitting in my last class of this year. Kick ass. No more formulas or conjugations or learning about rocks. Ive said it before to people, and ill say it again. Who the fuck cares about rocks (aside from jane dawson, obviously)??

Point is, after today and next week i can forget about homework and tests for a couple months. Apart from stat and geology, finals shouldnt be too awful, and im in no danger of failing anything, unlike others i know. I'd say i feel bad for those people, but id be lying because they know as well as i do how they got there. Not to say i want to see them fail, i just wont worry for them.

After this class, i should be able to start my weekend off the right way. 99 berries are waiting for me in my room, and there may not be any left after tonight. Its a friend of mines birthday, so it should be a good night. The only way it could be more interesting is if eric hits me again.

By the way, Bulls-Celtics is the greatest series in NBA history, bar-none. Game seven is going to be epic (and not long and boring).

Oh, and also, I love spring. Short shorts and skirts. Enough said.

my first one

Well, this whole blogging thing is new to me. I'm writing to no one in particular, but i figure i should give it a shot.

I'm only a little over a week from being done with my first year of college. Holy shit. Where the hell did the time go?

I sit and think about it, and it was only a year ago that i was about to embark on this journey we call college, and i didn't really think too far into the future at the time. I just went with the flow i guess, figuring it would all just work itself out in the end.

A year later, I now know its completely different. I have to look ahead because if i dont, i'll end up like some people i know. You know em too, the ones who float by, dont work hard (or at all) and will ultimately rely on mommy and daddy to bail them out, although i dont have that luxury.

A lot of times those are the same people who have all the money in the world, or at least a fair share of it, and have the liberty to fail and get bailed out. I dont have that chance. I'm here on my own, paying my own way, and have no room for error. If i fail im done, stuck driving a truck for the rest of my life. I guess at the end of the day im just a little bitter. I try not to dwell on it because all it does is put me in a bad mood.

But at the end of my first year, I cant even enjoy my summer, because i have to go and earn enough money to come back to school. I'll have three jobs this summer, and while i enjoy each of them, working 50-60 hours a week is not at all appealing. I'm 19 dammit, i shouldnt have to be fucking working all the time. That's whats so frustrating about watching these other people who dont have to work and get to have fun all summer, then waste what they have when they get to school.

It's not all bad in my world though. Im not dying, i dont have cancer, i dont live in darfur or china or mexico, i dont have the swine flu (although i think andrew does). I have a beautiful little neice who, when i see her, makes all the shit that is wrong in my life seem insignificant. I have a good family who worries too much about me. Overall, life is good, and i'm thankful for that.

So, be thankful for what you do have, even if it is satisfying sometimes to just unload all of your problems to someone or on here. You may have a lot of worries, or just a few big ones, but just remember, it could be worse. I know a lot of people who would love to have my problems.